My blog has a new home: http://www.obeymyblog.com. I’ll be continuing my journey down the Qigong road there. I’ll check back here every once in a while, but will be wrapping things up here in the coming months. I hope you’ll still join me! It’ll be fun I promise….c’mon…

I couldn’t stop looking at my hands. Following my Qigong movements in the mirror during class, all I could think about were how big my hands looked. Usually girls worry about their breasts or the size of their butts, but for me, I guess it’s my hands. Not that I am particularly unhappy with my hands. I think they’re quite nice actually! But on this day they looked a bit large to me. Maybe it was due to suggestion. After all, Master Li tells us to imagine our hands as huge, taking in qi from the universe. I like to imagine my hands look like the Hamburger Helper glove.

I guess it’s hard for me to take myself too seriously in my Qigong class. Not that I don’t take Qigong seriously, because I do. But there is something about it that brings out the silliness in me. I resist the idea of putting too much power into my teacher and into the practice itself. After years of searching outside of myself for answers and looking to other people, I’ve finally learned that the answers to the questions I am asking are always inside. Master Li can guide us, but he doesn’t have the answers for us. Be wary of any teacher that claims to know the truth. It’s tempting, I think, to want someone else to tell you what is true, what is wrong and what to believe. It seems so much easier than experiencing all the pain of facing your own fears and determining the truth for yourself. But it comes at a price. A very high price. There are entirely too many people in the world willing to take on this role for you. It gives them a sense of purpose and power.

Nothing delights me more than poking holes in these peoples’ beliefs. And humor is ideal for poking holes and revealing truths. If someone can’t laugh at themselves, then I am highly suspicious that they are simply full of crap or of their own self-importance. Not that I am a saint by any means or that I don’t indulge my ego like everyone else. Still, it is humor that always brings me around. I’m very grateful for that.

On that note, I’d like to leave you with a little video by Brad Warner, “Brad Warner debates Genpo Roshi about BIG MIND™“.

Unconditional love is like breathing. As cliche as it may sound, I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for years.

This thought ocurred to me during my Qigong class this week and it dawned on me that I wasn’t really letting myself go and into the flow of the movements. Master Li stopped the class and asked one of the students in the middle of the room to continue doing the movements for the rest of us to see. She was beautiful. She was fully in the moment and put her whole body into it. You could just see it.

I was struck – because I’m embarrassed to let myself be that free in front of a group of people. How great if I could release that self-consciousness? How great it would be not to worry about being laughed at or criticized. This is the ideal place to release those fears and yet I find myself unable to. I am on the brink but cannot quite cross that boundary yet. It’s a little disappointing, but understandable. I’ve lived with this fear almost my entire life. It is familiar, albeit, paralyzing. But still, the unknown is scary. I haven’t let that stop me before though, so I will keep coming back and just try to take it one step at a time.

Okay, so you’ve probably seen this. But if you haven’t…a nice chuckle for you…

There is something I’ve noticed about practices, philosophies and religions that attract the new agey. Not that I’m down on new age hippies. My god, my parents were all out hippies. My mom very much resembled a young Cher in her twenties and my father looked suspiciously like Peter Fonda, picking my sister and I up from elementary school on his Harley. It’s just that some new agers have no boundaries. There. I said it. Just because I am trying to cultivate unconditional love in my daily life does not mean you can hug me, or put your hand on me or anything else for that matter.

How does this happen? Why do some people equate open-heartedness with a complete breakdown of healthy boundaries?

One reason this really bothers me, is that when I practice Qigong, I feel much like a child. That includes all the silliness, playfulness and vulnerability I had as a child. I feel safe in my class being playful and vulnerable. No one seems to mind and it seems to actually bring a sense of lightheartedness and fun to our weekly Qigong practice. My teacher also doesn’t seem to mind when I crack jokes about chocolate being the ideal of happiness or when I completely exaggerate a form out of humor and frustration because I realize I’ve been doing it all wrong. But because of this, I am extremely sensitive to my sense of space and physical boundaries. I don’t want anyone violating those. I don’t care how unconditionally loving you are. Now perhaps my boundaries are a lot more rigid than others, but still…

I’ve been taking Qigong now for seven weeks. But this isn’t just any Qigong – this is Sheng Zhen Qigong – Qigong of Unconditional Love. To get an idea of what I’ve been learning, here is a video of Master Li’s daughter doing the exact movements I’ve been learning (although admittedly with much more agility and grace than I have at the moment).

There is no mysterious force behind the movements. It is a practice. But that does not mean it is without intent or without heart. It is all about heart actually. And to practice without intent is well…a bit pointless.

In my spare time (ha!), I’ve also been participating in the AIR Interactive. What is that, you say? It is the Accessible Internet Rally which occurs every spring. Teams come together and compete against one another to build a website for a non-profit that is completely accessible. Then, we attend SXSW Interactive and find out who wins! So, a worthy non-profit gets a brand new redesigned website for free and another website on the world wide web is made accessible. Not to mention, web developers get to learn how to make their sites more accessible on a day to day basis.

Our team is in the design phase now. I decided to try my hand at designing from scratch and luckily the designer on our team humored me. Ultimately though, when I saw her design I immediately knew it was the better one. I am humbled, but also inspired. It is my wish to become more creative in what I do every day, so I’ll keep plugging away…

]]> http://brookrobin.wordpress.com/2009/02/19/qigong-and-a-bit-of-interactivity/feed/ 0 Robin AIR Interactive -I participate! http://brookrobin.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/i-had-a-dream/ http://brookrobin.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/i-had-a-dream/#comments Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:52:41 +0000 Robin http://brookrobin.wordpress.com/?p=116 ]]>

Monday

Today just felt kind of wrong. It kind of felt like watching a tsunami. You’re staring at the ocean, watching the tide pull back, the bottom exposed and revealed. It’s strangely beautiful. You’re a little mesmerized and you think, wow, this is such a rare and wonderful occurrence. I think I will take out my journal and write about it or maybe I should take a photo…oh but the batteries are dead. Perhaps I should sketch it with my Precise V5 Rolling Ball pen. Hmmmm, yes, but I only have college-ruled notebook paper. Darn it all. Maybe I should…and then in the middle of your wondrous thought process you are barreled over by a 600 foot wave. Yes. It is Monday.

I had a blissful moment of peace last night while listening to Priscilla Ahn and tried to keep the song Dream in my head all day to prolong the feeling. But you know how that goes. It did help though. While humming along to the cd in my car this afternoon, I chose not to flip off a lady in the parking lot at Best Buy. This is enlightenment folks. Drink it in.

I’m all full of giddiness and excitement for the new year. I’ve made all kinds of resolutions – something I never do. One of my resolutions is to improve my health. Okay, simple enough, but it’s starting to dawn on me what this really entails. Today, I bought Superfood and Cod Liver Oil. Dear God, I am turning into my parents… But I’m hoping that taking these on a daily basis will help balance my energy (I have a tendency to burn bright and then peeter out).  And who knows, it might just help me with my Qigong practice.

Beloved Bread

As part of this healthy lifestyle, I have to eliminate sugar. Okay, I don’t drink sodas very often, so that’s a huge chunk right there already taken care of. Alcohol will be a bit more difficult, but maybe I can just start limiting my alcohol consumption to the weekends. But bread. I love bread. I don’t have to eliminate bread completely, but the best kind of bread is really the worst for you. Damnit. Okay, maybe I’ll gradually reduce my bad bread consumption.  Or maybe it will be my one vice. Oh wait, I already have one of those and it’s called the social smoke. Hmmm, moderation is key right? I mean, I can keep a few vices as long as I don’t overdo it? Right? Right?

Here’s to a healthy 2009!

I’ve chewed on it and let it stew in my heart and head for a while and now I know why I struggled so much with my last Tai Chi class. Why I got so ridiculously angry.

I was afraid. Afraid of what, you might ask. A Tai Chi class?? Yep.

I was afraid of:

- looking like a fool
- trusting in a new teacher
- not doing the forms right
- being taught improperly

Fear paralyzes my heart. Tai Chi and Qigong open my heart. It is not always an easy thing to do, though it may sound easy to some. I could go on and on about my psychological and philosophical reasonings for why opening the heart can be a difficult and sometimes painful experience, but there is simply not enough room in this blog I think. Suffice it to say, while I started Tai Chi to help me deal with stress, I got a lot more than I bargained for.

And in the end too, perhaps that particular Tai Chi class just wasn’t for me. And that’s okay. It’s my reaction though, that got me thinking.

Because of my experiences with Tai Chi and Qigong this year, I have started to take it a lot more seriously. At first, I just wanted to see if it would help and it certainly did. But now, I’m starting to really enjoy it and unlike some other things I’ve done in the past (voice lessons, french, grad school (gone are the days I longed for a PhD…no way pal)), I actually want to continue practicing to see where it will take me next.

And it all begins again next week.

Now that I’m back from my trip to DC, I can focus on…Christmas! Just kidding. Actually, I am looking forward to Christmas, but am also really looking forward to my Qigong class which begins in early January.

While receiving an acupuncture treatment today, I realized (again) how out of balance I’ve become since I stopped practicing Tai Chi and Qigong (I know, I know…I should be practicing at home…I am all out of excuses). I am a lot more relaxed these days, but despite the pull of whatever you want to call that silent energy (I literally felt the energy shoot through the bottom of my foot when she inserted the needle near my ankle – what a shock! Apparently she had chosen this place to help ground me and ease my anxiety…), my mind was racing with thoughts.

I can’t do sitting meditation. My cat always “knows” when I am trying to do sitting meditation and immediately plops down in my lap. I used to be able to do sitting meditation fairly well (sort of…), but that was a couple of years ago and I am sorely out of practice. Whoever said meditation was easy was not doing meditation, me thinks… I remember pulling a transcendental meditation book off of my parents’  bookshelf as a young girl and trying to understand it, but all I could think about was the scene in Ghostbusters when they try to clear their minds and not think of anything… and then they end up with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. This would be me. And my thoughts. I always end up with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man…

These days I much prefer standing meditation. I stand there with arms open, knees slightly bent. My cat walks by gingerly and looks up.  I peek down and watch as she licks herself a few times, then walks away bored. I smile and close my eyes again, knowing I’ll have a few minutes of peace. But I haven’t done that in a while either… Silly me.

I’ll try to remember to document my progress here as I begin my class. Hopefully this time around I won’t swell up with anger. And if I do, perhaps I’ll be better able to face it and figure out where it’s really coming from. My teacher will be the venerable, Master Li. He seems like a very pleasant fellow. I look forward to working with him.